Monthly Archive for January, 2005

Iraqi Election

From all accounts, everything went better than planned. And the people are thankful. So thankful, in fact, that the mayor of Baghdad is planning on erecting a statue of President Bush in his city. That’s gotta chap Kerry’s ass.

I am thrilled and excited for the people of Iraq. It’s about time they had a say in their own lives.

Welcome to freedom.

Beer Saves Lives

What do you do when you’re in your car, and you get buried by an avalanche? Well, if you have enough beer in your car, you can pee your way out.

A Slovak man trapped in his car under an avalanche freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it.

Rescue teams found Richard Kral drunk and staggering along a mountain path four days after his Audi car was buried in the Slovak Tatra mountains.

He told them that after the avalanche, he had opened his car window and tried to dig his way out.

But as he dug with his hands, he realised the snow would fill his car before he managed to break through.

He had 60 half-litre bottles of beer in his car as he was going on holiday, and after cracking one open to think about the problem he realised he could urinate on the snow to melt it, local media reported.

He said: “I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it to melt it. It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt. But I’m glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful and I managed to get out of there.

At least he didn’t get himself most of the way out, then pass out drunk. That would have been a tragedy.

I’ll bet he keeps a beer stash in his car from now on.

Snubbed Again

Michael Moore just isn’t having a good week…

LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) – Two days after being snubbed when the Oscar nominations were announced, Michael Moore was left off the list Thursday when the Writers Guild of America unveiled nominees for its first documentary writing award for a feature film.

Oh, well, better luck next time, Mike.


More Reasons To Secure The Mexican Border

Right now, it’s just one big, gaping hole waiting for terrorists to come marching in. And today’s Washington Times has an eye-opening article in it that surprisingly I haven’t seen floating around the ‘sphere much.

Nicaraguan police, with U.S. assistance in a sting operation, thwarted black marketeers trying to sell SA-7 shoulder-fired missiles capable of downing commercial aircraft earlier this month, raising fears that some missiles already have been sold to terrorists, The Washington Times has learned. 
U.S. officials think the missiles are being provided by elements of the Nicaraguan military. One official said intelligence reports suggest Nicaraguan army elements are keeping a secret stash of SA-7s not inventoried by international inspectors.

The sting has sounded alarm bells through the Bush administration for a number of reasons. The arrested men thought they were selling missiles to terrorists in Colombia and were willing to sell to Islamic terrorists, the official said. Also, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld in November had won what he believed was a firm agreement from Nicaraguan President Enrique Bolanos to destroy about 1,000 remaining SA-7s. Some in the Bush administration now suspect the military is double-crossing Mr. Bolanos.

Bolanos is fairly pro-American, and his party holds a majority in the legislature. However, the Sandinistas are slowly gaining power, and with the glut of SA-7s left over from the 1980’s, having those in the hands of the Sandinistas would not be a bright prospect for America. Especially since it appears that rogue members of their military are already willing to sell these missiles to Islamic terrorists.

I don’t know what it is that the open borders lobby doesn’t get about things like this. Our security is at risk here. Those missiles only weigh about twenty pounds. They’re highly portable and could easily be brought across the border with the next load of illegal aliens.

We need to clamp the border down hard, and soon, or we’re liable to be facing another 9/11 or worse.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Oklahoma has some weird legislative ideas. Apparently, the people of Oklahoma voted to outlaw cockfighting back in 2002. So state senator Frank Shurden has come up with a way to bring back the sport and appease the animal-rights activists.

State Sen. Frank Shurden, a longtime defender of cockfighting, is suggesting that roosters be given little boxing gloves so they can fight without bloodshed. The proposal is in a bill the Democrat has introduced for the legislative session that begins Feb. 7.

I shit you not. He’s actually going to bring legislation to put little boxing gloves on roosters.

“Who’s going to object to chickens fighting like humans do? Everybody wins,” Sen. Frank Shurden said.

What’s even funnier is what the legislation is going to be called.

Shurden’s legislation would create the Oklahoma Pari-mutuel Gamecock Boxing Act.

So where would this take place? At horse races, of course.

Shurden believes it could be incorporated into horse racing, providing the boxing between horse races.

Some of the money earned from wagers on gamecock boxing matches would go to the state.

“I guarantee it would work,” Shurden said of the nonlethal fighting of roosters.

I’m about to pee my pants.

Trying Another Spam Killer Method

I’ve turned off HIP-CAPTCHA, so no more codes to type in if you wish to make a comment. I was really hoping not to have to do that, since it is such a pain for readers, and I’ve found another method to prevent the comment spam. I’m tracking its effectiveness, and hopefully won’t have to turn the codes back on.

Basically, I’m using MT-Blacklist on my .Text blog. I found the instructions to get it up and running here. I put in a test comment and blammo, SQL killed it, so it looks like it’s working pretty well so far.

Great job on that, Chrissy.

UPDATE: Chrissy alerted me to the fact that I had missed some permissions on some extended stored procedures, and all comments were being rejected. Heh, that would definitely stop the spammers. It’s fixed now. Sorry, Marcel, I’ll put your comment back in manually.

I’ve Got An Idea

Whenever the government creates some new program, I’m always thinking, “Great, more of my hard-earned money going to waste.” But there’s a new government program that I think would be OK. We currently have the No Child Left Behind Act to take care of the children’s education. Well, there’s another group of people that need taking care of, also. Terrorists.

My plan is called the No Terrorist Behind Left Act. I’m working on the specifics, but it basically just boils down to putting copious amounts of lead in their bodies. If the plan works, I’m hoping to incorporate it into our border defense as well.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Good News For Subway Riders

The subway fire in New York won’t take years, but mere months to fix.

If you haven’t heard about it, a bum homeless person urban outdoorsman started a fire in one of the tunnels to keep warm, and it got out of hand. The A train is running on a reduced schedule, and the C train is completely out of commission.

If an accidentally out of control fire can do that much damage, what the hell do you think a terrorist with intent could do? That, dear readers, is why we’re waging a global war on terror.

Now if we could just get over this stupid idea that profiling those who are far more likely to be terrorists is a bad thing, we’d be in much better shape. Yes, I’m talking to you, Mr. Minetta.

Hollywood Too Stupid To See Their Own Faulty Logic

So apparently Hollywood types are trying to get illegal aliens drivers’ licenses in California.

LOS ANGELES – Hollywood stars are joining the fight to get driver’s licenses for undocumented immigrants in California with a new ad featuring a mock award for “Best Nanny.”

More than 30 actors, musicians and writers, including Diane Keaton, Carlos Santana and “Million Dollar Baby” writer and producer Paul Haggis, took out the ad Monday in the entertainment industry trade paper Variety.

The group urges Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger to approve a new bill that would allow illegal immigrants to get a license as long as background checks found they had no criminal violations.

Wouldn’t a background check reveal that they were here illegally? That would be a criminal violation. By default their own stipulation guarantees that even if the bill passes, they won’t be eligible.

And In Entertainment News

Total number of Oscar nominations for Fahrenheit 9/11?

That would be a big, fat “0”.

Take that, fat guy.