Monthly Archive for June, 2004

Drudge is reporting that CBS will be airing a one hour Clinton book advertisement special next Thursday at 6PM ET. The catch is that CBS is stipulating that all its news affiliates “must carry” the show.

At least one person at CBS is making sense about this: “It’s going to be like one big commercial for the book! Why didn’t Mr. Clinton’s publisher just buy an hour,” one angry executive for a CBS news station said late Monday. “This is not news, this is marketing. I already feel dirty!”

Like one of Drudge’s headlines said, “After Reagan week, now comes Clinton summer.”

Satire from the Borowitz Report:

Arizona Senator Seeks Restraining Order

Washington, D.C. police arrested presumptive Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry yesterday after Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) complained that Mr. Kerry was “stalking” him in an attempt to persuade him to join the Democratic ticket.

Police officers apprehended Sen. Kerry as he was shimmying up a drainpipe on the outside of Sen. McCain’s Washington townhouse, attempting to gain access to a second-story window.

“John is a dear friend of mine, and I was flattered that he wanted me to join the ticket – at first,” Mr. McCain told reporters. “But over the past few weeks he has gotten downright creepy.”

Sen. McCain said that Sen. Kerry’s courtship of him started as a series of friendly phone conversations, but then the calls started coming more frequently and often in the middle of the night.

After Sen. McCain placed himself on a “do not call” list to fend off future entreaties from Sen. Kerry, the increasingly impetuous Democrat resorted to more desperate measures, even disguising himself as a Domino’s Pizza deliveryman.

Now that Sen. Kerry is in police custody and undergoing psychiatric evaluation, Sen. McCain can breathe easy – for the moment.

The Arizona senator confirmed today that he has requested a restraining order keeping Sen. Kerry at least one hundred yards away from him at all times.

For his part, Sen. Kerry told reporters that he remained “optimistic” about persuading Mr. McCain and that such a restraining order would not ultimately prevent the Arizona senator from joining the ticket.

“The president and vice president never have to be within one hundred yards of each other,” Sen. Kerry said. “Look at Bush and Cheney.”

Tomorrow night at 9:00 PM, the lights on the Vegas strip will be dimmed for three minutes in honor of Ronald Reagan. That will be only the seventh time in history that has happened. Other honorees include John Kennedy, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, and Sammy Davis, Jr.

I love the headline for this story: Crackdown terrifies Southern California immigrant communities. It’s about time. So the Border Patrol is finally cracking down on illegal immigrants. Let me repeat that for you. ILLEGAL immigrants.

Here’s my favorite paragraph: “One woman told the Los Angeles Times that her husband and his brothers were arrested a few blocks from their Ontario apartment on Friday as they drove to work at a nearby warehouse. They were deported to Mexico.”

Whooo Hooo! Don’t let the door hit your backside on the way out of our country! And feel free to leave your US-issued driver’s license with the authorities, you won’t be needing it any longer.

Then there’s this quote from the manager of an apartment where five illegals were arrested: “They’re holed up, they don’t want to be outside, because the Border Patrol is everywhere. “Why aren’t they out arresting the gangsters and drug dealers?”

Ok lady, let me buy you a clue here. The Border Patrol doesn’t care about gangsters and drug dealers. Their job is to arrest people who are here illegally and take them back where they came from. They “patrol” the “borders”, hence the name Border Patrol. And why would authorities be looking for gangsters and drug dealers anyway? Could it be that they’re breaking the law? ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE BREAKING THE LAW TOO!

And then another quote from someone else without the brains God gave a rock:  “I remember all the suffering and sacrifice that you go through when you first come here, and it’s just wrong to arrest them. They’re not doing anything wrong.”

YES THEY ARE! “ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT” HAS THE WORD “ILLEGAL“ IN IT BECAUSE THEY ARE BREAKING THE LAW! PEOPLE WHO COME HERE ILLEGALLY AREN’T ENTITLED TO DRIVER’S LICENSES, FREE HEALTH CARE, WELFARE, SCHOOL LUNCHES, OR ANY OTHER GOVERNMENT FREEBIE! WHY CAN’T YOU PEOPLE GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULLS THAT (POP!) (THUD!)

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AP – Earlier today, a man’s head exploded while typing at his computer…